UConn: Where a Sock on Your Hand is a Degree

Want to go to college but you can’t read?  Well, the University of Connecticut has the plan for you:

If you’re an aspiring puppeteer in search of a master’s degree, you’ve got one choice: the University of Connecticut. UConn has been offering classes in puppetry since 1964, and the school now says it’s the only institution in the country that offers MA and MFA options for puppet arts.

Courses like “DA 5601: Marionette Construction” would be sure to make you the envy of any friends slogging through more mundane coursework in their own grad programs.

That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, at the University of Connecticut you can major in Sesame Street.  This is quite the fortuitous circumstance, as Connecticut students now have the curriculum available to them to learn the alphabet along with the preschoolers they will someday ”teach.”

Aside from the aforementioned course selection, the University of Connecticut also provides the following classes in its Program of Jim Henson Studies:

DA 2026: “Fraggle Rock — An exploration of children’s television and awesome drugs“

DA 1001: “Basic Puppetry: It’s not like you’re going to have sex anyway“

DA 3805: “The impact of Cookie Monster on child obesity“

DA 4017: “Watchin’ the Muppet Show“

DA 8239: “Advanced puppetry: Lamb Chop’s Play-Along Theory“

Connecticut: Where Existence is Unlawful

The foundation of any society is its social compact.  Writers such as Thomas Hobbes (Leviathan), John Locke (Second Treatise of Government), and Jean-Jacques Rousseau (The Social Contract) all promoted the theory and principles underpinning social order through individual abatement of personal sovereignty.

Connecticut, through its first settlers in the early 17th century, adopted the theory of social compact early in its genesis.  Presumedly operating under the assumption that only heathens would reside and visit the jurisdiction, Governor Theophilus Eaton and Reverend John Cotton promulgated a series of statutes designed to create a rule of law that would protect its citizenry from the future Johnnie Selvies and Marcus Williams’ of the world.

The end result of such efforts?  The Blue Laws of the Colony of Connecticut.

Simultaneously the most ridiculous and haunting document ever crafted, the series of statutes reveals a single constant: This is the best Connecticutians can do; don’t laugh directly at their learning disabilities.

For the sake of scholarly inquest, let’s examine a few of Connecticut’s finest achievements in legislative chaos:

Conspiracy against this Dominion shall be punished with death.

While the State of Connecticut has abolished this principle, Jim Calhoun still maintains this statute in his personal arsenal of justice. 

Whoever attempts to change or overturn this Dominion, shall suffer death.

Watch your ass, Rhode Island.

If any person turns Quaker, he shall be banished, and not suffered to return but upon pain of death.

I can just imagine the conversation between Governor Eaton and Reverend Cotton when they were drafting the document:

Eaton: We must protect this union we are about to create.  The first step is stemming conspiracy against the government.  What do you propose, Reverend?
Cotton: Kill ‘em.
Eaton: OK, so conspiracy equals death.  Got it.  What about coups?  Just because a coup happens doesn’t mean that there was a conspiracy.  We should cover all our bases.
Cotton: Kill ‘em.
Eaton: OK, so conspiracy and coups equal death.  Now we’re cooking with a mild flame.  What about those damn Quakers that keep setting up shop here?
Cotton: Kill ‘em.
Eaton: Good stuff.  Man, this is easy. 

And, finally, The Greatest Statute in the History of Everything: Did you ever wonder where the “bowl cut” was invented?

Every male shall have his hair cut round according to a cap.

Lookin’ good, Connecticut.  Lookin’ good.

The Bet: Connecticut-Syracuse

I am not a fan of many things.  Georgetown University, Communism, Jim Calhoun’s continuous and unabashed dereliction of the English language: All these things can burn in Hell.

Of my particular idiosyncrasies, however, one stands head and shoulders above the rest: Food.  I am probably the pickiest eater on the planet and my distaste for two particular comestibles — tomatoes and mayonnaise — are non-negotiable.

The mere thought of consuming tomatoes and mayonnaise is, to me, akin to John Thompson, III replacing St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.  I refuse to eat tuna fish – canned or otherwise — for fear that it contains even a hint of mayonnaise.  I won’t eat salsa because of that disgusting tomato pee that drips from a freshly sliced tomato. 

Potato salad?  No fucking way. 

V8? Not a chance.

A tomato and mayonnaise sandwich? Well . . . .

Syracuse University — an institution of non-tomato and mayonnaise qualities — is in the midst of its greatest men’s basketball start in the history of the school.  Currently, a Turkish tank would likely crumple in defeat at the hands of Wes Johnson and Company.  The University of Connecticut, contrastingly, is fully realizing The Power of Fred Hill Thinking and is rapidly chasing Rutgers University to the Big East Conference basement.

Accordingly, so confident am I that the Orange will triumph over the Huskies on Wednesday in the Carrier Dome, I hereby make the following bet:

Dear Internet:

If Syracuse University fails to defeat the University of Connecticut, I will eat a tomato and mayonnaise sandwich.

Lovingly,

The Glaude

While the fine gentlemen proprietors of The UConn Blog maintain no responsibility to reciprocate on this bet, the spirit of competition is compelling.  Here’s hoping I don’t go into anaphylactic shock.

South Florida is a Fine University

If you can’t stand the Heath, get out of the kitchen.