President Bush Overrules N.C.A.A.

In June of 1995, the N.C.A.A. attempted to strip Syracuse University of its 1990 men’s lacrosse championship.  For over a decade, the charade continued, even garnering a short note in the New York Times following the N.C.A.A.’s decision:

A National Collegiate Athletic Association committee has ordered Syracuse University to surrender its 1990 national lacrosse title.

The N.C.A.A. Committee on Infractions decided Syracuse violated rules when Nancy Simmons, the wife of Coach Roy Simmons Jr., co-signed a car loan for the team’s star player, Paul Gait, in the 1990 season, The Syracuse Post-Standard reported.

The school argued that Roy and Nancy Simmons had an independent relationship and she should not be viewed as a representative of the school’s athletic interests.

Syracuse was also ordered to surrender two scholarships for 1996-97.

A university spokesman, Robert Hill, said Friday that the school considers the case open.

Led by the twins and all-Americans, Paul and Gary Gait, the 1990 team gave Syracuse its third straight N.C.A.A. lacrosse title.

From that date forward, the N.C.A.A. has consistently held that Syracuse had only achieved nine men’s lacrosse championships (including the 2008 championship secured in Foxborough, Massachusetts).  Syracuse, contrastingly, carried the light of truth and reality, promoting its unmatched record of 10 total titles.

On June 24, 2008, the N.C.A.A.’s overtly inappropriate action was rescinded.  On the White House’s South Lawn, President George W. Bush affirmed that Syracuse was, in fact, the holder of 10 N.C.A.A. men’s lacrosse championships:

. . . And the Syracuse Men’s Lacrosse team claimed their 10th national championship, which sets a new NCAA lacrosse record. (Applause.)

Despite what Johns Hopkins may offer in rebuttal, the Supremacy Clause of the United States Constitution clearly illustrates that the N.C.A.A. cannot pre-empt the authority and interpretations of the federal triumvirate of institutions.  To do so would run afoul of the confederation of the United States of America.

Thus, it is quite clear that Syracuse — as the National Archives will indicate — is officially a 10-time men’s lacrosse champion.  When the history books are written 50 years from now detailing the administration of President Bush, one thing will be clear: he righted one of this nation’s greatest injustices since segregation in the Deep South.

Update: Georgetown Still Evil

Caption

Father and son embrace after offspring viciously strangled an innocent kitten in the 92nd Annual Georgetown Against Domesticated Animals competiton held in Washington, D.C.   Son, in reciprocation, hands father cup of blood drawn from the arm of a young infant that was to grow to become this nation’s next Poet Laureate.

2008 Hoya Suxa Men’s Lacrosse Tournament Spectacular

The games are finished and two things are abundantly clear:

1. Johns Hopkins cannot find a cure for cancer or an antidote for Syracuse’s midfield; and
2. Cracking wise about historical N.C.A.A. lacrosse violations will land you squarely at the bottom of a lacrosse bracket challenge.

In very un-Georgetown fashion, two-time Syracuse graduate John Brennan took home top honors in this year’s edition of the Spectacular.  Amassing 27 out of a possible 32 points, Brennan squeezed out a two-point victory over John Sorriento and Lancaster Legends.

The bottom of the leader board, however, is where the action lies.  Amassing all of 13 points, I managed to lose the very bracket challenged I sponsored.  I failed to tally even a single point after the quarterfinals.  With a final pairing of Virginia and Duke, I sealed my fate and karma dealt a cruel hand of despair.

Here’s the final leaderboard (and brackets).

As there was such a logjam at the top of the leader board, fabulous prizes will be awarded to only our top three participants.  Once I contact these individuals, prizes will be announced.

. . . And One for the Thumb!

Things that have changed since Memorial Day, 1983:

• Mesh hats with foam fronts are not longer the lid of choice amongst American youth;
• Short shorts are no longer fashionable; and
• Lacrosse sticks are more synthetic now than organic.

Things that have not changed since Memorial Day, 1983:

• Syracuse University still owns Johns Hopkins.