A Syracuse Fan’s Guide to Rentschler Field

Syracuse University — an institution of veritas — will close its 2009 gridiron campaign this Saturday against the University of Connecticut — an institution of invalidity. As the contest will fall within the extended Thanksgiving Day Weekend, it is anticipated that many members of the Orange Empire will travel to East Hartford, Connecticut to witness the event in stunning reality.

In order to assist Syracuse partisans find acclimation at Rentschler Field on Saturday, the below stadium map and accompanying guide should provide all relevant information necessary to enjoy the sunset of the Orange’s football season:

ITEM A: University of Connecticut Student Section
Literacy prohibited.  The stadium authority also prohibits polysyllabic phrases within the area.

ITEM B: University of Connecticut Cheerleaders
Please do not look directly into their feedbags.

ITEM C: University of Connecticut Football Field
Grazing area for ITEM B.

ITEM D: University of Connecticut Head Coach Randy Edsall
Traitorous traitor.

ITEM E: Non-Alcoholic Section
Two-beer minimum.

ITEM F: Football Field End Zone
UConn Huskies prohibited.

ITEM G: The African-American UConn Huskies Fan
His name is Jeff Fielding.

ITEM H: Assholes
Please use caution in these areas.  These fans generally believe that beating the University of Notre Dame in football is impressive.

ITEM I: Tailgating Lot A
“Squirrel-fryin’ territory.”

ITEM J: Tailgating Lot B
Tractor parking only.  “No shirt, no shoes, no shame.”

Under Pressure

John Thompson III sits, quietly contemplating the challenge before him. 

The coach furrows his brow as sweat beads down his chipmunk-like cheeks.  Thompson knows that strategy is the key to all endeavors — it was the underpinning to all of Winston Churchill’s successes — yet the Hoya has been unable to crack this particular nut.  A single error in judgment, a momentary lapse into one’s personal misgivings or prejudices can seize certain defeat from the grips of victory.

Thompson has been in this position before.  Throughout his tenure, the second-generation Georgetownian has both seen the heights of accomplishment — a 2007 visit to the Final Four — and the valleys of uncompromising failure — twin killings in 2009 at the hands of Seton Hall and St. John’s.  The pudgy Hoya has lived a lifetime of coaching in just five years on The Hilltop, and it shows most prominently in moments like this.

“This isn’t that hard; I’ve figured this out before,” Thompson mutters.

The Hoya slowly inhales deep into his lungs as he reaches for a cup of coffee that has long reach its expiration date.  “Dad taught me well all these years.  There’s obviously something here I’m just not seeing . . . .”

The pressure on the Hoya is great.  His basketball charges have wholly embraced mediocrity at the sunrise of Georgetown’s 2009-2010 campaign.  An uninspiring victory against Tulane University; a lackluster effort against Temple University: Without sustained concentration, a willingness to overcome all obstacles, and an exposition of one’s direction and purpose, failure — that swill of a brew unfit for even the most grotesque of men — will drown all hopes of success.

And now the coach must overcome this moment, an instance of time directly linked to his past, present, and future.

“Aha!” exclaims Thompson.  “This is so simple!”

Simplicity, though, is not always the answer.  Active motion in offensive sets, a willingness to forego a good shot for a better one, dedication on the defensive boards: Conceptually, the simplicity of basketball should result in positive returns both on the hardwood and, presumably, in the human experience.  Life, though, does not always reward simplicity.  The Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences awards prizes for splitting atoms, not firewood.

The Hoya slowly begins: “Do . . . .”

Thompson pauses.  He scratches the top of his head as if all of his problems were as easily disposed of as dandruff.

“Do . . . .”

The Hoya maddeningly pauses again.  This is the moment.  Thompson has spent his entire life preparing for such a situation.  The marathon sessions with his father, a Godzilla-like man whose taste for destruction may or may not exceed that of the fabled Japanese sea creature, has hardened the Hoya against these circumstances.  Thompson eases back in his chair to indulge his realization.  The Hoya has, from his perspective, devised an unencumbered path to success:

“Do you have any Queens?”

“No, ‘Go Fish,’” retorts the young boy.

Disgust: Big East Conference Style

College basketball season is officially underway.  While Georgetown University — an institution that not only promotes, but also funds Kardashian weddings — will need to wait until Friday to implode its 2009-2010 campaign, much of the rest of the Big East Conference will start in earnest in the next day or two.

Accordingly, to prepare yourself for inevitable truth-dispensing conversations with those that chose to not align their allegiances with Syracuse University, Hoya Suxa provides the following instructional videos:

Evil Twin Generator of Big East Coaches (Part I)

Evil Twin Generator of Big East Coaches (Part II)

Boeheim > Thompsons

Jim Boeheim Career Wins: 800

John Thompson, Jr. Career Wins: 596

John Thompson, III Career Wins: 184

That’s right.  Jesus Boeheim has 20 more wins than Big John and Junior’s Junior combined.