We Are All Witnesses: Syracuse Number One

Syracuse has rocked its opponent’s balls all season long and has rightfully taken its place at the top of the Nike/Inside Lacrosse Media Poll.

Next up for the Orange: Invading Canada and rocking that country’s balls day-in and day-out.  There is nothing left for Syracuse to accomplish in this country on the lacrosse field; it is now time for worldwide domination and lacrosse stick-fueled political coups.

Georgetown — home to the National Laboratory for Inferior Research and Second Fiddling – claims the fifth position.  Syracuse annihilated the Hoyas 9-8 three weeks ago.  Georgetown head coach Dave Urick was seen leaving the field after his team’s throttling at the hands of the Orange with tears in his eyes and an invitation to visit with Dateline NBC’s Chris Hansen.

Johns Hopkins — Baltimore’s finest blight on the city — checks in at number 10.  Reports indicate that the National Center for Disease Control has put a quarantine on the Johns Hopkins campus in an effort to contain the pure mediocrity seeping out of Homewood Field.

“Why I Should Hate Georgetown Basketball”

The Internet is one handy, dandy information machine.  Utilizing powerful search engines that simultaneously steal your identity and point you in the direction of fantastic viral videos, you can find all kinds of vitally important information.  For instance:

• Why are people afraid of clowns?
• Who was the fattest man ever?
• How many cucumbers are too many?

Unfortunately, if you input any of these searches, you will not find this blog.  It’s a shame, but Google has yet to update its engine so that Hoya Suxa appears first on every search ever created.

If, however, you input the title to this essay into a handy, dandy Internet search tool, you will find this blog.  In fact, some proud soul recently asked himself the very question posed in the title of this essay and asked the Internet to give him divine intervention. 

The Internet’s answer?

Yup, you guessed it.  Hoya Suxa.

This is both a proud day for me as a writer respected Internet celebrity, and further emboldens my belief that the world needs to know why Georgetown is evil and frequently engages in egregious animal testing and child endangerment.  Thank you, anonymous Internet query searcher; your search for enlightenment will be rewarded ten times over.

God Bless Google, and God Bless WordPress’s ”blog stats” module.

This Week In Schadenfreude

Virginia Utilizes Lesser Evil to Defeat a Great Societal Stain

Three consecutive overtime games, three consecutive defeats for the hated Johns Hopkins Blue Jays. 

While saluting the University of Virginia for its 13-12 victory is somewhat nauseating, the reaction is easily subdued when one realizes that it may have put the nail in Hopkins’ season.  The Blue Jays are now 3-3 with seven games remaining.  It’s next four games — North Carolina, Duke, Maryland, and Navy — will all see Johns Hopkins as marked underdogs.  Thus, even if the Blue Jays can win its final three contests, there is a very real possibility that Johns Hopkins will finish the season 6-7, far from relevance and the NCAA tournament.

Schadenfreude!

Even the Hopkins Youth have realized this very real, and very awesome, fact:

After the game, several Blue Jays players sunk to their knees or leaned against the stadium wall in stunned silence.

“It’s extremely frustrating,” said senior midfielder Paul Rabil, who posted a hat trick and one assist. “We’ve got to be able to pull one out somehow. That’s what we’ve been working on in practice, and we can’t seem to get it yet.”

Here’s a tip: stop fostering evil.  As everyone knows, the formula for success is as follows:

Evil = Losing

Good = Winning

Hence, Syracuse sits at 5-1; Johns Hopkins eats human flesh and loses lacrosse games.

Davidson Is A Fine University

Schadenfreude!

Roy Hibbert weeps tears of unfathomable sadness; they are yummy and sweet.