Like the changing of the seasons, it is inevitable that Syracuse University — an honorable bastion of academia and athletics — will topple those that threaten its throne with peccancy and misdeeds.
Syracuse’s position amongst the pantheon of righteousness was once again validated this week as the National Collegiate Athletic Association released its Academic Progress Rate (APR) report. While the APR is not necessary to justify Syracuse’s preeminence amongst its “peers,” it does provide further clarification of the Orange’s dominance over two of The Great Satans — Georgetown University and the University of Connecticut.
Men’s Basketball
APR Scores
Syracuse: 955
Connecticut: 946
Georgetown: 945
Analysis
No further proof is necessary to validate the assertion that Jim Calhoun and John Thompson III are running basketball daycares. Literacy, as it appears, is Connecticut’s and Georgetown’s kryptonite.
Men’s Cross Country
APR Scores
Syracuse: 1,000 (Perfect Score!)
Connecticut: 919
Georgetown: 994
Analysis
Orange runners are fast and can calculate their physical velocity. Connecticut runners are forced to wear velcro because they can’t tie their own shoes.
Football
APR Scores
Syracuse: 955
Connecticut: 950
Georgetown: 961*
Analysis
The asterisk next to Georgetown’s score is of incredible importance. The Hoyas, long a member of the Football Championship Subdivision (formerly 1-AA), necessitates adjustment due to the fact that Georgetown participates in a division of irrelevance. Due to this fact, Georgetown’s score is officially adjusted to 0. As such, Syracuse wins once again.
Men’s Lacrosse
APR Scores
Syracuse: 950
Connecticut: N/A
Georgetown: 985*
Analysis
Georgetown’s score, once again, necessitates adjustment. The adjustment in this instance, however, is due to the fact that the Hoyas’ continued mediocrity on the lacrosse field should have a tangible impact on Georgetown’s final APR score. Specifically, due to the Hoyas continued disinterest and lack of effort on the lacrosse field, Georgetown’s roster, logically, should have more time to devote to classroom achievement. As such, the Hoyas score is officially adjusted to 0.
Syracuse wins again (and maintains nine lacrosse national titles; Georgetown still has none).
Men’s Soccer
APR Scores
Syracuse: 953
Connecticut: 966
Georgetown: 989
Analysis
Soccer — like Pennsylvania State University’s student conduct code — does not matter. Therefore, Connecticut and Georgetown are not awarded victories.
Men’s Indoor Track
APR Scores
Syracuse: 981
Connecticut: 933
Georgetown: 1,000*
Analysis
Georgetown may have generated a higher APR score than Syracuse, but it is a well known fact that Georgetown’s indoor track program is rife with Leisure Studies majors. Hoya Suxa officially requests a re-evaluation.
As for Connecticut, is there any further discussion that would somehow disprove the university’s status as a four-year community college?
Men’s Outdoor Track
APR Scores
Syracuse: 981
Connecticut: 954
Georgetown: 1,000*
Analysis
See, Men’s Indoor Track.
Mommas, don’t let your kid’s grow up to be Huskies. Unless, of course, you condone institutionalized illiteracy.
