Trust In Syracuse

In an odd twist, Syracuse University — continual beacon of pride and prosperity — allowed Pennsylvania State University the opportunity to garner a win over its vaunted football squad this weekend.  The score was forgettable, but somewhere in the range of “A lot to not quite as much.”

While a casual observer may conclude that the Nittany Lions schellacked the Orange up and down the field for 60 minutes, do not be fooled: Syracuse University does not unwittingly lose athletic contests.  Its “defeats” are mere moments when others are allowed a rare taste of success against the nation’s foremost institution of higher education.

If by some chance you do believe that Syracuse has lost all gridiron hope and that Greg Robinson is a vehicle of disaster put in place by Boston College, continue to hold your chin up high.   Robinson is not the worst university hiring in the history of collegiate athletics.  Rather, that distinction falls to Georgetown University, which thought that this was a good decision:

Craig Esherick: Number one in your hearts, dead last in success.

 

Breaking News: Even Shitty Satire is Satire

Editor’s Note:  I’m sorry that I have to write this essay.  I really am.  Its relevance — at least initially — to the scope of this magazine may appear tangential.  However, do not lose faith; plenty of Georgetown bashing exists and, in fact, may reaffirm your faith (or lack thereof) in the Hoya experience.

I love the Internet.  At its best, it’s a powerful catalogue of humanity. At its worst, it’s like watching Dikembe Mutombo recite Keats:

My heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains
My sense, as though of hemlock I had drunk,
Or emptied some dull opiate to the drains,
One minute past, and Lethe-wards had sunk:
‘Tis not through envy of thy happy lot,
But being too happy in thine happiness,
That thou, light-winged Dryad of the trees,
In some melodious plot
Of beechen green and shadows numberless,
Singest of summer in full-throated ease.

Who wants to sex Mutombo?

One of the greatest examples of the Jekyll and Hyde nature of the Internet are message board communities that cater to college sports enthusiasts.  These communities are equal part interesting and depressing, embracing both the refined and unfinished.  Fortunately, this phenomenon recently extended its cold, pathetic hand to Hoya Suxa and presented an olive branch of pitifulness.