As Syracuse University prepares for its exorcism of Georgetown University on Wednesday, the dissemination of worthwhile social research is likely in order.
Those that align themselves with the Orange Empire are a select assemblage: dashing, gallant, and true. It is no surprise, therefore, that such partisans are in high demand at various conversation and discussion clubs. Unfortunately, the Hoya menace has infiltrated many of these societal guilds through chicanery and corruption, thus rendering the debates that occur within less substantive than pre-Georgetown participation.
The following research details the phenomenon and provides evidence of how the Hoya experience operates in such circumstances.
Hoya Social Interaction: “I’d love to stay, but I’ve got a thing.”
Georgetown University, at least theoretically, has the potential to yield partisans that could contribute successfully to general conversation. With internationally recognized programs in “Recession-Creating Activity” and “Artificially Inflating the Commodities Market for Personal Gain,” Georgetown is churning out graduates that could possibly cause the Federal Bureau of Investigation to maintain thick dossiers of such individuals.
Such personalities should, inherently, keep a partner in conversation intrigued, much like rubberneckers gawking at interstate accidents. Unfortunately, this state of affairs fails to exist.
As the below diagram illustrates, there is a clear connection between an individual’s attendance of Georgetown and the likelihood that a conversation with the individual will yield an interesting conversation:
The data is striking. As illustrated, there is a slight probability that a conversation with an individual that has attended Georgetown will yield fulfilling results. This is likely due to the Calhoun Theory.1 If the Calhoun Theory is not an available topic for conversation or such premise has been satisfactorily exhausted, the data seems to reveal that a conversation with an individual that has attended Georgetown will not result in fruitful consequences.
This conclusion is buttressed by the three pillars of traditional Hoya conversation subject matter:
- The look, feel, and unrequitted love for boat shoes and their lack of relevance outside Daddy’s yacht club;
- Whether driving a Mercedes is a sign of poverty or a contemporary nod to the shining light that was the Third Reich; and
- That sex is not like a Chinese dinner — it can end regardless of whether each party “get’s their cookies.”
A secondary conclusion from the above data is that the nature of the conversation takes a sharp turn when a conversation partner realizes that there is less than a 10 percent likelihood that his or her discussion participant attended Georgetown. The study has indicated that this substantial change is attributable to the decrease in possibility of maintaining a conversation that includes fake latin phrases, such as “hoya saxa.” In general, conversationalists do not support gibberish, and the reality that Georgetown University attendance necessitates the adoption of pseudo-latin rallying cries has a direct effect on the level of pleasure achieved in a discussion.
Finally, if there is no possibility that a person attends Georgetown there is a 100 percent chance that such conversation will be interesting. This is attributable to the Norovirus Theory: an individual is not inclined to maintain a conversation with someone that has first-hand experience with norovirus due to the potential of that infected person possibly dropping a jar of mud in their pants during the heat of discussion. Diarrhea does not maintain any magnetic qualities; it is conversation poison and the subjects in this study have resoundingly supported this position.
1 The Calhoun Theory states that any two individuals can maintain an interesting conversation by simply presenting the phrase “Jim Calhoun smells like cheese and is the world’s greatest benefactor to run-on sentences.”
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