Shakespeare on Syracuse-Georgetown

Obviously, William Shakespeare predated the Syracuse-Georgetown rivalry.  During Shakespeare’s life, Copernicus was scientifically relevant and not simply a character in the seasonal cartoon “The Night Before Christmas.”

The question, however, is what if Shakespeare was alive to pen plays about the Syracuse-Georgetown relationship?  Shakespeare rarely wrote of sport (unless, of course, you consider sword fighting and patricide “sport”), but the drama he did write lends itself to describing the Orange-Hoya experience. 

Rather than attempt to recreate Shakespeare’s style in an original work, I’ll simply edit Shakespeare’s actual writings in order to convey the Syracuse-Georgetown struggle.  The first iteration of this literary revisionism comes in the form of one of Shakespeare’s most well-known plays, Romeo and Juliet.

Prologue

Two [universities], [disparate] in dignity,
In [the] fair [Big East], where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.

Act I, Scene I

Jim Boeheim
A dog of the [university] of [Georgetown] moves me.

Mike Hopkins
To move is to stir; and to be valiant is to stand:
therefore, if thou art moved, thou runn’st away.

Jim Boeheim
A dog of that [university] shall move me to stand:
I will take the wall of any man or maid of [Georgetown].

* * * * * * * * * *

Enter John Thompson III and Big John Thompson
John Thompson III
Do you bite your thumb at us, sir?

Jim Boeheim
I do bite my thumb, sir.

John Thompson III
Do you bite your thumb at us, sir?

Aside to Mike Hopkins
Jim Boeheim
Is the law of our side, if I say ay?

Mike Hopkins
No.

Jim Boeheim
No, sir, I do not bite my thumb at you, sir, but I
bite my thumb, [fuckhead].

Mike Hopkins
Do you quarrel, [stinkface]?

John Thompson III
Quarrel sir! No, sir.

Jim Boeheim
Draw, if you be men. [Hopkins], remember thy swashing blow.

They fight.

Enter Craig Esherick
Craig Esherick
Part, fools!
Put up your swords; you know not what you do.

Enter Bernie Fine
Bernie Fine
What, art thou drawn among these heartless hinds?
Turn thee, [Esherick], look upon thy death.

Craig Esherick
I do but keep the peace: put up thy sword,
Or manage it to part these men with me.
 
Bernie Fine
What, drawn, and talk of peace! I hate the word,
As I hate hell, all [Hoyas], and thee:
Have at thee, coward!

They fight. 

Boeheim, Hopkins, and Fine brutally dismember the Thompsons and Esherick.  There is no subsequent star-crossed loved; after the battle, Boeheim assumes control of the Big East and implements a stringent state-sponsored Georgetown eradication program.  All potential love is lost in the scorched earth.