#BeatAkron Tutorial

With the sunrise of Syracuse University’s 2010 football campaign on the immediate horizon, it has come to the attention of Hoya Suxa that many in the Orange Empire require a tutorial in #Beat[Whoever] cracks.  While the 2009 iteration of the concerted fan effort was a success, a week-long “training camp” may secure domination in 2010 and a widespread epidemic of “hurt feelings” among supporters of the Orange’s opponents. 

The Hoya Suxa training camp will focus on three things: 1) Provision of the official avatar that the Orange Empire may utilize to support their cracks; 2) Provision of general comments regarding crack construction and etiquette; and 3) Provision of particular items specific to an Orange foe.

TRAINING CAMP SESSION I: #BEATAKRON
I live my life so as to ensure that I’ll never end up in two places: Hell and Akron.  Some may consider that Hell and Akron are one in the same, but that sentiment is merely a canard: In Hell you have a job (to rot there for eternity); in Akron, you can’t even find an employer that would let you do that.

On to the avatar:

Right-click on the image to save.

As this constitutes the first training session, a brief recitation of etiquette is in order:

1. Under no circumstances should a #Beat[Whoever] crack appear before 12:01 A.M. on the Friday preceding a Syracuse football game.  Any cracks that appear before the Friday preceding game day are considered false starts and will result in loss of respect and, more importantly, limbs.
2. Under no circumstances should you steal a crack.  If you steal a crack without proper attribution, you will be cast out from the Orange Empire, forced to wander the college football landscape as a man without a designated tailgating party.
3. While it was tacitly accepted last year, simply recycling cracks found on the Internet is generally frowned upon.  In other words, we’ve all heard that the best way to get a Connecticut graduate off your porch is to tip him for the pizza; let’s try to enhance jingoism and condescension, not regurgitate staid efforts.
4. Theme and variations are good; directly copying a style is bad.

With these general etiquette comments out of the way, let’s move on to some ammunition that may be employed in the #BeatAkron barrage:

1. Akron, like much of Ohio, is a miserable place.  Lifestyle, economy, culture — it’s all lacking in “The Buckeye State.”  In fact, Akron’s populous is comprised of 217,074 frowning faces (the city maintains the highest per capita of frowns in the greater Midwest).  This should be highlighted with impunity.
2. Akron’s nickname is the “Zips.”  This is a curious nickname and has great potential for satirical commentary.  For example, “Akron nicknamed its teams the ‘Zips’ to reflect their graduates’ job potential.  #BeatAkron”  Or, alternatively, “Akron nicknamed its teams the ‘Zips’ to reflect the value of the school’s degree.  #BeatAkron”
3. Akron is apparently the rubber capital of the world.  It’s too bad the city couldn’t manufacture a product that could be used as a contraceptive against localized economic recession.
4. Akron is home to the Goodyear Blimp.  It symbolizes the city’s rubber tradition, as well as the body type of its local women.

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